Firstly, I would like to thank you for allowing me to write an article for your blog. You’ve set a really interesting question for me to write a response to and I have to say, I’ve really enjoyed drafting what I think might be a surprising response for your readers.
You’ve asked me ‘How do I create my characters? Are they based on real people for example?’
And this is where it becomes really interesting because many people have reached the conclusion that I write crime fiction and these characters are made up. But the funny thing is I am just reporting on real-life events. For Food Sapiens exist and are living, working and paying taxes alongside us Homo Sapiens.
Check out the Genetically Modified Food Sapiens Act 1955 and you’ll find out that Food Sapiens were finally released from captivity after initially being held by Government scientists who discovered that genetically modified food items developed their own conscious. But once the Government realised they had above average intelligence and could set up business and of course, pay taxes, then their release was inevitable.
Over the years, Food Sapiens have integrated fully into everyday life, so much so that they have blended in without anyone realising. The thing is that Food Sapiens are good at adapting and you’ve just probably never realised you are working alongside a pineapple or a cucumber. If you’ve known someone who is very thin you may even have commented that they are as thin as a stick of celery. Well, take a second look. They probably are a stick of celery and you have never realised.
Next time you visit the supermarket, head for the fish counter and I can almost guarantee that the person serving you will be a member of the Food Sapiens fish community. Now some disbelievers might be tempted to tell me to cod off, but this wouldn’t be the time or the place.
There are also a number of famous Food Sapiens celebrities. From the actor, Tom Lamb Shanks all the way through to the TV presenters Ant and Duck. There are Food Sapiens everywhere, look across the pond to America, they have just elected President Rump Steak which was a surprise to many pollsters who were predicting victory for Halloumi Clinton.
Now while I have the permission of the Food Related Crime Team to report on their work, and you can read about their adventures in Addicted to Death and Who Killed the Mince Spy?, I have been given artistic licence to dramatise the storylines a tad.
So with that in mind when adding some flavour to these food related crimes, I do like to keep an eye on current developments in the world and to make sure the readers can relate to the world in which they are reading about. So for example, in Who Killed the Mince Spy? the turkey population had been given a vote on Christmas, which was ironic as it was around the same time as the Brexit referendum.
And so you are probably wondering who works for the Food related Crime Team. So let me take a few moments to introduce you to the members of the Food Sapiens team:
Detective Inspector Willie Wortel – the Head of the Food Related Crime Team and the leading Food Sapiens detective of his generation, DI Willie Wortel, carrot, leads the fight against food crime. Renowned for his sharp mind, his bravery and courage, Wortel has tackled the psychopath Sammy the Shrimp, foiled the evil MadCowMcBeef and managed to find work suits that somehow complement his tall, spiky green hair.
Sergeant Dorothy Knox – a Homo Sapiens colleague, and trusted sidekick of DI Wortel. Dorothy first met Wortel during a tricky case of the crabs. No, no, no, you dirty minded readers, it was a case involving infected crab meat not the other kind. Oh dear me…
Oranges and Lemons – two fruit officers who work with DI Wortel. I would like to have said they support, help and assist Wortel but that would be a lie. Probably better to use words like torment, hinder, annoy…but, and this is just my opinion, I think he quite likes having them around really. One word of warning however. If you do bump into them and start chatting, please don’t ask them who borrowed five farthings because you might never get away.
– Matthew Redford
Following the murder of Benedict and Darcy Blacktail, two eggs savagely beaten to death outside their home by an unknown, fedora wearing assailant brandishing a large metal spoon, Detective Inspector Willie Wortel, carrot and the leading food detective in the police force, is called in to investigate. When the only food sapiens minister in the Government, Professor Perry Partridge, is murdered at the Strawberry Strip Club, run by the young damson Victoria Plum, DI Wortel suspects that the two cases may somehow be linked. As the Head of the Food Related Crime Division, DI Wortel is ably assisted by his human colleague Sergeant Dorothy Knox. But as their investigation begins, four celebrity chefs are sent death threats. It’s a recipe for disaster as the incarcerated evil genius MadCow McBeef is seeking parole; someone appears to have crumbled Mr Bramley’s apples; and there is an anti-GM food protestor on the prowl. And why do Oranges and Lemons think they owe someone five farthings? DI Wortel and his team must find out who is seemingly addicted to death. It will take all efforts – human, fruit and vegetable – to figure this one out.
Born in 1980, Matthew Redford grew up with his parents and elder brother on a council estate in Bermondsey, south-east London. He now lives in Longfield, Kent, takes masochistic pleasure in watching his favourite football team snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, is a keen chess player and is planning future food related crime novels. To counterbalance the quirkiness of his crime fiction Redford is an accountant. His unconventional debut crime thriller, Addicted to Death: A Food Related Crime Investigation was published by Clink Street Publishing last summer.